i think its 1 am pacific time...

this current wave of home-sickness is particularly brutal. it's invading my dreams to remind me that i literally thousands of miles away from home.
things i miss:
*leaves. leaves turns yellow and red and orange and even brown.
*emily. i have now idea how tall she is or what see likes to wear now. its terrible not seeing her and helping her adjust to the middle school fiasco
* teo. having him wake me up quietly and oh so politely to watch him play video games
* robby. rocking gently front to back while he helps me do some mundane chore. hugging me. all of them. i miss that.
* the central time zone
* bad weather. this constant sunny weather makes me unease. i am in the stepford city. real cities have lousy days.
* the terrain of northeast/southeast ohio. athens in the fall is the word awesome and the lake has a fantastic smell and view.
* the initamacy of proximity

oh shit!!!

after watching one minute of the new dancing with the stars season for the first time tonight i am crushed that i only had one minute of viewing time of the awesome manliness that is STEVE GUTTENBURG!
he calls himself the GUTT! ( pronounced GUTE). I am in love!

For the love of Captain Kirk

like many people I was born into religion. Yet Trekkies rely mostly on evangelism. After I read the headline for this article I was struck with terror. As a life long Trekkie, my father was a convert, I beg the producers of the upcoming Star Trek movie to not cast Tom Cruise. Not as a lead, not as a supporting character, not as a cameo, not as a fucking extra getting killed by a Klingon warrior. Please, please, please. He is movie kryponite. he is success' roadside bomb. he is certain death. he is a gay prostitute to a conservative republican's campaign - DISASTER!! FAILURE!!! Larry King Live apologies for ending this movie's bright future!!!


so please, think twice before you do tom cruise.

monogamy? marriage!? no thank you, i'll take sanity.

everyday i get to interact with so many people. the variety is exciting and encouraging. the degree of shapes, height, color, shade, and even smile is so wide and inconsistent that i find myself creative similarities. Although i have variety of a optical or anthropological sort there certainly is not a variety in the reaction of married people to a stranger.

my view of the following has to be a result of my age and lack of relationship/significant other/crush, right? perhaps a naiveté i am ignorantly possessing.

so i call a male worker to get some information, because thats what i do as an organizer. At the word hello from my lips it was on. The workers wife answered. His very jealous wife. She refused to let me talk to him unless i told her exactly i was going to say to her husband and before i got to dive into my shpeel, she tells me to fuck off. Trying to not completely fuck this over i tell her thank you and hang up.

I am still flabbergasted at her reaction. My coworker, who has been married for many years, tries to get me to see it from her "perspective", which my senses tell me its fucking ridiculous. as i recanted the stiry to my mother she is shocked that i would expect any other outcome. "thats highly inappropriate Sara. Her husband probably cheats on her". WHAT?! Am i crazy or does anyone else see that as an unacceptable assumption to accept? It is more stable to assume infidelity than it to be acceptable to call a married man? or woman?
And this is by no means the only encounter i have had with such jealousy and distrust. many men will not let my male coworkers, even when they are accompanied by women organizers, to talk to their wives without their supervision or just flat out refuse to let them talk at all.

it sounds like a horrible state of living. suspecting the worst of someone you have willingly (typically) bound yourself to. it sounds absolutely miserable to feel so insecure of your spouse fidelity that when a stranger calls you fly off the handle.

marriage sounds more and more like a miserable emotional cage that produces unsure, fearful and jealous people.
no thank you on that order, i'll pass if thats an inevitability.

the big question

so i guess that i am living fully now. i am financially independent from my parents, out of school, and i own a car, amongst other adult qualifying activities/pursuits. i have a job and i am surprised at my ability to fall into the working groove. i used to think of myself rather irresponsible and challenging, but that was when i was in school for seven years. i fell into a comfortable slacker cycle. i did what i had to get by and by the end, in all reality i barely got out because my values where totally and completely of center and out of focus.

i wasn't sure that i wanted to be a union organizer but i took the job because the benefits are good, it pays well, and i would travel. i was totally unimpressed after my first week on the job. but each week i like the job more and more. i learn more and the end goal of a campaign is no longer a fuzzy outline but a clear defined statue. each week we try to chip away to the true form hiding in the stone. people get terribly and grotesque maimed in the meat packing industry. huge corporations and conglomerates see the bottom line verses a man with out an arm or a woman who lucky to be alive after being pressed by an industrial stamper - 6 broken ribs, internal bleeding, torn, bruised organs, dead on the plant floor and resuscitated on the plant floor. at first i was sincerely doubtful of the union's commitment to the labor movement which has waned on a national level.

i know that this is a fight for the good and weak - i just don't want to caught up in the stream, to become comfortable in a repetition and practice and not challenge myself, like i did before. i wanna grow and progress constantly because who i was a year ago was an uninspired, lazy, and gluttonous girl.
will i be able to prevent her return?

top five...

i am always making up top five lists after watching High Fidelity.

for some reason i have been thinking of my early teens.
i would bury myself in my room, stuffing my father and stepmom out, out, out.
for hours i would lay on the floor beside the stereo, listening to my cds. pouring over the album jackets and lyrics trying to patiently extract the source of inspiration and devotion. hours and hours laying next to fiona apple's hate and kurt cobain's melancholy .
i had my middle class kid angst and wholeheartedly thought that only my cds sang my angst perfectly.
i do do love the music still.
cd's that made adolescence just bearable:

fiona apple - tidal (came in handy for my many heartaches in high school. i mostly pined hopelessly. i was a piner)

nirvana - mtv live (suburban angst, whoa!!!)

alanis morrisette - jagged little pill (standard girl angst. fuck you boy who did know that i loved you from a far!! my creepy stares in orchestra should have been a dead give away that i yearned for you!!! now you're going out with that pretty blonde chick who is a year younger than me. WHY HAS GOD PUNISHED ME?! -more or less the meat of my journal entries then)

jewel - pieces of you (i cannot believed i am admitting that on a public forum)

white zombie - astrofreak ( i did not go more than a few days without listening to this and was from the influence of a young chris konowal - one of my first romances)

*submissions are welcomed*

things change

the holidays are close to an end and that gives me warmth. New Years Eve is bearing down on us. There is this pressure (external and internal) is welcome in the new year in an incredible, fantastic manner. Too much pressure for one evening. Just as long as I am with some friends, I want nothing more.

I have taken a new position. I will be an Organizer in Training with the United Food and Commercial Workers. I start on January 6th! For the next year I will be traveling the US of A extensively. The following is certain for the next year: I will not be moving out of my parents house. I will not be living in my parents house either. I will have health insurance!!! I will have job security. I will use and develop my language skills, and maybe develop some new language skills. I will travel! I will be out of Lorain, which makes me sigh a sigh of relief.


While I did enjoy my job at the community center I did not fit into the South Lorain mode. I am considered unusual for many reasons. Some of the top reasons I am the pink Elephant to South Lorain's room: I am twenty five and do not have a boyfriend. I am twenty five and I am not married. I am twenty five and I am not pregnant. I am twenty five and do not have children. I am twenty five and I do not have A CHILD.
see a trend?

all and all I had a good experience and I was able to send quality time with my huge, obnoxious, loud, loving family.
thats it for now.

non-negotiables

kate and i got into one of our winding conversations a couple weeks ago. parents, relationship, future travels, binge drinking. the norm.
well fell into the topic of non-negotiables. to clarify what we mean about non-negotiables: the traits or interests that one finds absolutely essential to a romantic entanglement at any level or the traits or interest that completely and totally removes a romantic entanglement from possibility. deal breakers, shallow or not, our personal minimum requirements in a possible mate.

Kate's:
-no "fuzzy" teeth. "Fuzzy" teeth are based on Kate's discretion. I don't have fuzzy teeth, but since I'm not wooing Kate, that matters little.
- Cannot in any way shape or form be a Steelers fan. not even a little.

Me:
* No belly piercings. the belly button must be untouched from hoops, stubs, danglingly things, the whole shebang. never in the the present or past.
* Hands. I have a certain hand requirement. I will just say that really long, skinny, alien fingers are an automatic ejection from the romance arena.

I have some other non-negotiables, but none as static and rigid as the above two.
Kate and I both agreed that physical attractiveness can easily be trump by personality and intellect.
*I must admit that I prefer my love interest to be an intellectual and perhaps a few levels above me... and they must tolerate Prince, Neil Diamond and William Shatner

From that conversation I wondered, what does my non-negotiables say about me? What are other peoples non-negotaibles?
feedback highly encouraged

UPDATE
Christi's non-negotiables:
*neo-cons and most republicans
*people shorter than me
*boys who use more beauty products than i do

I could see how height could be an issue for you my leggy love. I rarely find a gent shorter than my 5'3", so that stays off my list.
I do have neo-cons and republics in the middle category. I guess that I couldn't bring my self to discount a large amount of the male population. But then I want my man queer friendly, so I guess that removes a decent amount of the population anyway.
does bellybutton piercings count as beauty product? i really have a problem with that

Out with the old in the...newish?

I can soundly say that my daily experience as a nonprofit employee as ignited an ache for the lovely corporate human resources.The word fiasco comes to mind when I think about my benefits and salary. Definitely a fiasco. I have been stunningly patient, and while I patiently wait I job hunt on Idealist.


Besides my struggle to get the benefits I was promised when I was hired, work has improved.
The community center has found a new location but not a permanent home. Conveniently our new location is across the street. Not so convenient - the space. The new facility is maybe 1/16 of our old building. I mean, latinos love to be close, but not on top of each other at every turn. My board is constantly telling me space will tight and I am constantly thinking they underestimate, grossly underestimate. The offical move in date for our new facility is Tuesday November 12.
Oh, did I mention that half of our new facility is a church. yea, a full congregation.

*Fall Fest 2007:

My first program at the center. It was an overall success. With my program collaborators we provided hot food, bags of candy, games, prizes and spooks.

The school was divided into two parts, the Haunted Halls (courtesy of the South Lorain Boys and Girls Club) and a neutral non-satanic, non-devil worshiping, non-sinner area for the Pentecostal Puerto Rican community. I was so stressed that we would run out of candy that I was constantly begging for donations up to an hour BEFORE the event. $400 dollars worth of candy later in addition to my own personal contribution of $100, we ran out of candy and some kids went home empty handed. But I'm such a sucker that I made up IOU vouchers for the kids that missed out and on the next day gave out another 20bags.
Over 400 people came to the event.
175 bags of candy handed to happy little princesses and princes.
I was a tired fairy and went out for drinks like a the big kid I am.

Pictures courtesy of Hillard and Carmen of the We Care We Share Agency
















these three look cute, but on a daily basis I am yelling at one of them to not do many things, like spit in the water fountain or stab each other with their pencils.

















































the baby was a monster, but i say it was an adorable snowman. get it!

since i have a regular paychech...

I seem to have decided to single handedly revive the slumping economy. I can't stop purchasing!

Items/ services purchased recently:
(* indicates a level of necessity)
- 30 Rock First Season on DVD
- X-men trilogy movie pack (@ $20! What a deal!!)
- Bridget Jones' Diary Collectors Edition - I realize the ridicule I am encouraging
- Vitamins (multi and super B complex) *
- Ipod sport carrier
- Flat Iron* (well, it's necessary to my vanity)
- Various nail care products (all intended to be used on my Wela)
- mascara
- Celestial Seasons Peach and Raspberry Tea
- Triscuits
- Brush*
- Feather Bed


overall i basically underwent retail therapy and it was great

caught in a firestrom

There so many work issues swirling around me that I can't focus straight, so instead I purg on media.


* Netflix has strangely placed Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind as a Comedy. A suburban mom is in for a shock.

There is quite a bit on my mind as of late -
the uncertainty of my job
the cerebral vs the biological
pointless pop cultural obsessions
so much meaning so little.


lately though, I throw myself off. Deciding which direction to give into: the carnal or the cerebral. This is in terms of romantic entanglements. Looking back, I can see how much the flesh directed my interests. It clouded so many elements of a relationship - but mostly it clouded and dulled me. I can clearly see what I want. But I am at a loss as to how to get it. I have become terribly skilled at playing the sex game. I know how to play the actions, moments, and situations to lead up to the carnal match point. Basic interest play with flirtation - minimal personal anecdotes shared, playful social meetings and the consummation.
There has been more, yes - of course. I've had relationships first based exclusively on friendship, mutual admiration - and then sex rears its tempting head into the equation.
More than anything I frustrated by my inability to have a relationship cultivated purely on the love of the psyche vs the love of the physical.

Oh, and I am so not ok with the whole "singles" scene - way lame. I am so content to hang out with my friends instead of getting hit on in a bar.
I can see my future as the woman who has cats and a loft apartment, known loving amongst my best friends' children as either "Auntie Mancha" or "Auntie Chica".
Seriously.

Input Please

This is all conditional:
-IF you were still a child (that being defined as under the age of 10)
AND
-IF your parents would let you freely decide, without their clever parent input,

1). How would you dress (for everyday)?
2). What would you wear for extra special occasions?
3). What would you dress up as for Halloween?
4). Would you give valentines?
AND if so, to whom.

I can tell you now that I would not give valentines, but would expect at least 12. I was a child who learned to give valentines as insurance to receive them - telling i know

Finally!
now maybe things will be less corrupt!
probably not...

the day that my world stopped spinning

is today - i am crushed
since Monday the Hardees ad on Pagesix.com has promised me free fries. I admit, I placed a heavy responsibility on the free fries from Hardees, they were to be the highlight of my week. As many of you know - If it's free, its for me.

At 2:05pm the blow was dealt. While checking Hardees.com for the hours of my local Hardees I crumbled at the discovery that the Hardees that was once at the corner of Broadway and E.28TH is no longer. closed - my free fries evaporated from my clutches!!!

And the closest Hardees is in Willoughby - close to an hour away!!!!
Ye Gods!!!!! WHY?!

untitled

This is by no means to trumpet myself or to boost. It has been a good ten years since I was in the Lorain International Princess Pageant. It has been at least 9 years since that this has been the front page of the City of Lorain website - and it is really embarrassing to come to that page at work with a shit ton of people/colleagues around my computer, when researching

"oh, gracias senorita. esta muy amibale!"

so one day down and an unknown amount to go.


Returning to Lorain has been an unexpected experience. Essentially, after I graduated high school, I moved out of Lorain. Seven years later, Lorain has changed significantly. South Lorain has been swallowed up by gangs and unchecked violence. the 2006 calendar year reaped seven homicides. By July 2007, seven homicides had been committed. The latest one committed on the owner of Granny D's pizza - right across from my little brothers school and in a "safe" neighborhood.

The school system laid off close to 3oo, I repeat, 300 teachers. South Lorain, my neighborhood, has bore the brunt of the violence and educational set backs. Gangs are back in South Lorain, so many homes and businesses are boarded up. I am honestly shocked at the rate of deterioration that has occurred.

The community center I work in is actually an old elementary school and the community center leases the school from the Lorain school system. Structurally speaking, the building stands, it protects from the elements better than, say, a tin shack, but by no means is a building that suits the centers financial requirements and the communal demands. Since April the center has spent over $22, 000 on utilities due to the lack of structural integrity. The building leaks heats, water, the roof leaks, the sewer system need to be replaced. It's rough. The plan was to request a different building from the city so that when the centers' lease came up in Jan. 2008, the center could re-locate. No such luck. Yesterday the school system evicted the center. If the school system does not demolish the building the center is located within 90 days, then the center has a long life-span. If the city decides to demolish then we have to relocate. The uncertainty is unnerving but my director seems completely at ease with this ridiculous situation.

I am primed to find a new building, but my director seems to think that we have nothing to worry about. what is that?!!!!

finding my compass

so i tell my dad "I got a job offer!"
"I didn't think you would be that together"
automatic deflation

how is that I am so
I am so surprising...about the most responsible things

now I know that I actively avoided my life for quite a while
I am happy with my new job, I know that'll be the oppurtunity I've been looking for
My boss is dedicated, tenacious, and incredibly experienced
the staff of the the south lorain community inatiative cosnsists of two, me and my boss
in the community center of 15 agencies
my job is funded by a siezable grant form several state and federal agencies. i am lucky to be chosen

I am a lucky one


duckring, depending if she takes he position in Spain, will be leaving me soon.
christi needs to stay put, and the same for kate
jason is in philly still and januzzi ran away to NYC, along with the growing number of loves(dryden, jess, jord, sam, cito, jiamito)
I will go out east
januzzi and i would talk of living together - now i wish that i was financial responsible
in a year there will be a a great Sara Mari migration






ps
Big is a fucking fantastic movie

much to be anticipated!

so christ-i-kins and I have decided to collaborate in the blogsphere. the topic and tone are concise: humorous and current events. yea, it'll be us and about a hundred thousand other blogs with the same format. no fear, eventually we will be media whores and everyone will read our words!!!!

updates will come for sure!


in other news i am to return to the city of steel and polluted water for the much anticipated Flores family reunion. I am pretty stoked for this occassion. not only will immediate brood ( the Flores family break down: seven brothers, four sisters, and the parents) but the Delgado, Amador, and Garcia cousins will be in attendence! According to my Uncle David, the reunion mastermind, there should be 5 tequila shots per adult and 5-6 cups of modelo from a keg!!! hell yea, mexican-american dreams do come true!

Birthday Celebrations!!!!!

Today, my youngest sibling celebrated his fifth birthday! He's such a big boy now!!!

Teo a little over four years ago:

Teo, Big Boy style (he demands that you bow down to his Big Bioy-ness!!)




































*In two days the quarter century mark for Sara Mari goes down!*