i think its 1 am pacific time...

this current wave of home-sickness is particularly brutal. it's invading my dreams to remind me that i literally thousands of miles away from home.
things i miss:
*leaves. leaves turns yellow and red and orange and even brown.
*emily. i have now idea how tall she is or what see likes to wear now. its terrible not seeing her and helping her adjust to the middle school fiasco
* teo. having him wake me up quietly and oh so politely to watch him play video games
* robby. rocking gently front to back while he helps me do some mundane chore. hugging me. all of them. i miss that.
* the central time zone
* bad weather. this constant sunny weather makes me unease. i am in the stepford city. real cities have lousy days.
* the terrain of northeast/southeast ohio. athens in the fall is the word awesome and the lake has a fantastic smell and view.
* the initamacy of proximity

oh shit!!!

after watching one minute of the new dancing with the stars season for the first time tonight i am crushed that i only had one minute of viewing time of the awesome manliness that is STEVE GUTTENBURG!
he calls himself the GUTT! ( pronounced GUTE). I am in love!

For the love of Captain Kirk

like many people I was born into religion. Yet Trekkies rely mostly on evangelism. After I read the headline for this article I was struck with terror. As a life long Trekkie, my father was a convert, I beg the producers of the upcoming Star Trek movie to not cast Tom Cruise. Not as a lead, not as a supporting character, not as a cameo, not as a fucking extra getting killed by a Klingon warrior. Please, please, please. He is movie kryponite. he is success' roadside bomb. he is certain death. he is a gay prostitute to a conservative republican's campaign - DISASTER!! FAILURE!!! Larry King Live apologies for ending this movie's bright future!!!


so please, think twice before you do tom cruise.

monogamy? marriage!? no thank you, i'll take sanity.

everyday i get to interact with so many people. the variety is exciting and encouraging. the degree of shapes, height, color, shade, and even smile is so wide and inconsistent that i find myself creative similarities. Although i have variety of a optical or anthropological sort there certainly is not a variety in the reaction of married people to a stranger.

my view of the following has to be a result of my age and lack of relationship/significant other/crush, right? perhaps a naiveté i am ignorantly possessing.

so i call a male worker to get some information, because thats what i do as an organizer. At the word hello from my lips it was on. The workers wife answered. His very jealous wife. She refused to let me talk to him unless i told her exactly i was going to say to her husband and before i got to dive into my shpeel, she tells me to fuck off. Trying to not completely fuck this over i tell her thank you and hang up.

I am still flabbergasted at her reaction. My coworker, who has been married for many years, tries to get me to see it from her "perspective", which my senses tell me its fucking ridiculous. as i recanted the stiry to my mother she is shocked that i would expect any other outcome. "thats highly inappropriate Sara. Her husband probably cheats on her". WHAT?! Am i crazy or does anyone else see that as an unacceptable assumption to accept? It is more stable to assume infidelity than it to be acceptable to call a married man? or woman?
And this is by no means the only encounter i have had with such jealousy and distrust. many men will not let my male coworkers, even when they are accompanied by women organizers, to talk to their wives without their supervision or just flat out refuse to let them talk at all.

it sounds like a horrible state of living. suspecting the worst of someone you have willingly (typically) bound yourself to. it sounds absolutely miserable to feel so insecure of your spouse fidelity that when a stranger calls you fly off the handle.

marriage sounds more and more like a miserable emotional cage that produces unsure, fearful and jealous people.
no thank you on that order, i'll pass if thats an inevitability.

the big question

so i guess that i am living fully now. i am financially independent from my parents, out of school, and i own a car, amongst other adult qualifying activities/pursuits. i have a job and i am surprised at my ability to fall into the working groove. i used to think of myself rather irresponsible and challenging, but that was when i was in school for seven years. i fell into a comfortable slacker cycle. i did what i had to get by and by the end, in all reality i barely got out because my values where totally and completely of center and out of focus.

i wasn't sure that i wanted to be a union organizer but i took the job because the benefits are good, it pays well, and i would travel. i was totally unimpressed after my first week on the job. but each week i like the job more and more. i learn more and the end goal of a campaign is no longer a fuzzy outline but a clear defined statue. each week we try to chip away to the true form hiding in the stone. people get terribly and grotesque maimed in the meat packing industry. huge corporations and conglomerates see the bottom line verses a man with out an arm or a woman who lucky to be alive after being pressed by an industrial stamper - 6 broken ribs, internal bleeding, torn, bruised organs, dead on the plant floor and resuscitated on the plant floor. at first i was sincerely doubtful of the union's commitment to the labor movement which has waned on a national level.

i know that this is a fight for the good and weak - i just don't want to caught up in the stream, to become comfortable in a repetition and practice and not challenge myself, like i did before. i wanna grow and progress constantly because who i was a year ago was an uninspired, lazy, and gluttonous girl.
will i be able to prevent her return?

top five...

i am always making up top five lists after watching High Fidelity.

for some reason i have been thinking of my early teens.
i would bury myself in my room, stuffing my father and stepmom out, out, out.
for hours i would lay on the floor beside the stereo, listening to my cds. pouring over the album jackets and lyrics trying to patiently extract the source of inspiration and devotion. hours and hours laying next to fiona apple's hate and kurt cobain's melancholy .
i had my middle class kid angst and wholeheartedly thought that only my cds sang my angst perfectly.
i do do love the music still.
cd's that made adolescence just bearable:

fiona apple - tidal (came in handy for my many heartaches in high school. i mostly pined hopelessly. i was a piner)

nirvana - mtv live (suburban angst, whoa!!!)

alanis morrisette - jagged little pill (standard girl angst. fuck you boy who did know that i loved you from a far!! my creepy stares in orchestra should have been a dead give away that i yearned for you!!! now you're going out with that pretty blonde chick who is a year younger than me. WHY HAS GOD PUNISHED ME?! -more or less the meat of my journal entries then)

jewel - pieces of you (i cannot believed i am admitting that on a public forum)

white zombie - astrofreak ( i did not go more than a few days without listening to this and was from the influence of a young chris konowal - one of my first romances)

*submissions are welcomed*

things change

the holidays are close to an end and that gives me warmth. New Years Eve is bearing down on us. There is this pressure (external and internal) is welcome in the new year in an incredible, fantastic manner. Too much pressure for one evening. Just as long as I am with some friends, I want nothing more.

I have taken a new position. I will be an Organizer in Training with the United Food and Commercial Workers. I start on January 6th! For the next year I will be traveling the US of A extensively. The following is certain for the next year: I will not be moving out of my parents house. I will not be living in my parents house either. I will have health insurance!!! I will have job security. I will use and develop my language skills, and maybe develop some new language skills. I will travel! I will be out of Lorain, which makes me sigh a sigh of relief.


While I did enjoy my job at the community center I did not fit into the South Lorain mode. I am considered unusual for many reasons. Some of the top reasons I am the pink Elephant to South Lorain's room: I am twenty five and do not have a boyfriend. I am twenty five and I am not married. I am twenty five and I am not pregnant. I am twenty five and do not have children. I am twenty five and I do not have A CHILD.
see a trend?

all and all I had a good experience and I was able to send quality time with my huge, obnoxious, loud, loving family.
thats it for now.